| Whether in everyday family relationships or business or on a larger scale interactions in political, economic or social violence arises from the lack of kindness towards oneself and others.
"Any criticism, any decision in respect of others is only an expression of unmet need." Such is the conviction of Marshall B. Rosenberg, founder of the American psychologist "Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is now considered a method that has proven in the field of conflict resolution: Properly understood and applied by a few very simple rules, it offers ways to quickly defuse the process of violence and allows the person " assaulted "to connect to the real the caller (perpetrator).
Language "giraffe" 
"You do it on purpose to return later and still expect me with dinner," fumed the exasperated wife.
"You could stop ringing me every ten minutes when you know very well that I'm overwhelmed," explodes the nurse with the patient.
"Him? Anyway this is just insane, "says the young woman after an altercation with his father.
All these sentences are the expression of a skewed relationship to another, based both power relations and a latent dissatisfaction. Marshall Rosenberg called such reports "the operation Jackal", that is to say an operation based on the expectation, control and guilt. "I want you to do what I need from you, otherwise it means you do not love me" is a typical example of this pattern of operation.
the jackal can respond by cons language "giraffe", this symbolic animal was chosen because it is the mammal with the biggest heart. The language "giraffe" is a language of caring, non-judgment and empathy with which we start listening to its needs deep and those of his interlocutor.
The process of NVC
The process of nonviolent communication can be summarized in four points:
observe specific conduct that affects my wellbeing
I react to this behavior by a feeling I
identifies the wants, needs or values that have awakened this feeling
I ask the other concrete actions that will contribute to my well-being.
The first point needs some explanation, because we tend to make assessments rather than observations. For example, some phrases that mean frequently:
Peter writes very badly
Jacques is a bad footballer
You're never on time
Each of these statements is assessed. Here is what they would if it were actually comments:
I can not decipher the writing of Peter
In twenty games, I have not seen Jacques score a single goal I often
Expect when I come to fetch you
I react to this behavior by a feeling. Here it is important not to mistake what a feeling and take care not to use words that are really interpretations of what makes us different or judgments that are concerns itself.
Saying "I often have to wait for you when I come to fetch you," I feel angry, bored, frustrated, saddened, bitter or resigned, either.
But if I have the impression of being discredited, ignored, despised or neglected, I am engaged in an interpretation of the attitude of the other which is perhaps not consistent with reality.
I identify the needs, desires or values that have awakened this feeling. In the situation described here, the person would just need to not lose his time each day to wait. Once this need is identified, the application be easy to make: "I Wish You Were at the time when I come get you, because I hate wasting my time."
The power of words
The Nonviolent Communication is based on the idea that power relations between human beings have no purpose. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people have been educated according to a mold in which everything was subject to power relations - the latter being played by different authorities. Parents, school, church, army, political parties, professional world : All reports are prioritized and the functioning of various institutions is modeled on a similar pattern: what we do is right or wrong, good or bad, stupid or intelligent, permitted or forbidden.
"We live our lives and with a head full of schemes, they make us puppets, undead. Unable to listen to our deeper needs and those of people we are led to encounter, we can only categorize, critique, judge and we enclose ourselves in a world of dragons, "argued Marshall Rosenberg.
But how can we say that an action is right or wrong? The only relevant question to ask is what motivated this person to choose this or that behavior in a given situation. The words are pronounced can build walls between people and can also open the windows and make communication not only possible, but rewarding for both parties.
Change Your ears 
In the many seminars and courses which it organizes in the world, Marshall Rosenberg illustrates his remarks by using "giraffe ears" and "jackal ears "he puts on his head when he played one or the other attitude. The giraffe's ears are large ears open and attentive, who can decrypt a need
beyond words. While the jackal heard that criticism and rejoinder tit for tat, causing the cycle of violence. So when the nurse tells the patient "you could stop ringing me every ten minutes, so that you know very well that I'm overwhelmed," the patient, instead of feeling attacked and devalued, can hear behind this remark: "I'm exhausted, I am just not able to respond to your request, but I need a break."
This new way of listening to bear fruit, as illustrated the different situations mentioned in this article.
The undue punishment 
principles of NVC are applicable at any time in everyday situations not necessarily dramatic, they can help facilitate relationships. But this method is also bearing fruit in many areas where there sometimes seems to be deadlocked. Marshall Rosenberg speaks regularly as a "diplomat of peace" in areas of the globe where people tear each other apart (Middle East, Eastern Europe, Africa) or from population groups called "problem", marginalized youth, prisoners, or pedophiles. His role then is to compare the actors in the conflict, such as the assassin with a spouse or parent of the victim. The objective is to enable one to another and to listen and speak "giraffe in" to connect to other's needs that are mostly as an expression of suffering and a deep disarray.
"We often hear that it is useless to punish, and we know it's true.
Yet our society know that this mode of operation. U.S. prisons (among others) are full to crack, and nobody knows what to do with these detainees. The moral order is that the perpetrator be punished, but it's totally unnecessary, "says Rosenberg.
It applies to school: more discipline is "iron" and draft evaders are "corrected", the more likely to see reports of violence are great live. Recognizing this fact, several countries have opened schools based entirely on the principles of NVC, Israel, Palestine, Italy, Serbia and the United States.
 Do not confuse empathy and rescuer syndrome
In the process of Nonviolent Communication, a key element comes into consideration, namely empathy. This term has been used a little all the sauces for over a decade and led to false interpretations.
First golden rule: "When trying to get into the role of healer, block the healing." The true empathy is to avoid liability for the pain of others and the responsibility of having heal the pain of another. For there to be an empathetic connection, all thought to be absent, only the present moment is important.
"My training as a clinical psychologist I served in this area, because it taught me to analyze. When I discovered the power of empathy, I worked in a psychiatric hospital. So I just stopped reading the patient records, "notes Marshall Rosenberg. An empathic
does not imply that we should speak and question. A look fearless, blameless enough, while we focus attention on the person's heart, only. The sense of well-being that moves in with him who receives it will then allow empathy to express needs and demands.
A ethical issue
In his introduction to the book by Marshall Rosenberg (see box), Charles Rojzman writes: "Today we face dangers that threaten it, a new ethic is required: the ethics of caring for oneself , other, all living beings that need to be protected and cared for. On an ethic of responsibility, concern and compassion. We must understand that institutional changes, political, economic, if necessary, will be possible only insofar as human beings will advance to the autonomy and accountability. "
Make NVC know and apply it to all our relationships, is a step towards a lifestyle whose criticisms, judgments, labels, "always" and "never" are banned. Means choosing a lifestyle that lets you listen to others without boredom, without anger, but with kindness and pleasure.
More
The French version of the book by Marshall B. Rosenberg: "Words are windows (or walls) - Introduction to Nonviolent Communication," published by Jouvence in 1999.
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